Sometimes I sit and wonder: what cold I have done different, what I did wrong, was I being punished for having the thoughts I did? Is God punishing me for thinking omg what am I going to do with another baby? Is it because I hadn’t left my husband? WHAT & WHY did my baby girl have to die? Why couldn’t God do something to the kids’ father, why can such an evil evil man be allowed to live and an innocent child have to die?? I don’t think I will ever understand why. Maybe it’s not meant for me to know why. Maybe I just need to trust God and his works… Maybe God gave me Ashley for just a short time, so that I could be there to help others through the grieving of their child/children. I need to be thankful that I lost only 1 child. I have a couple of SHARE friends that have lost multiple babies. What I did learn from my loss is that children are truly a blessing and not to take any moment with them for granted. As I sit here and type, my heart is heavy and sad, I think it’s partly due to my going through pictures for this blogg. It brought back the whole pregnancy to loss again. June 30,2009 marked the 21st birth date/anniversary of the day I delivered my stillborn daughter. I am the mom to 3 healthy sons. My 1st son, Thomas was born on March 13, 1983. He was healthy and perfect. When we decided to have another child, my hopes and dreams were that we’d have a daughter. Well on February 27, 1986 my 2nd son, Gary was born! Was I disappointed?? No. Actually what I found that was most important to me was that my baby was healthy. We had decided that we were going to stop at 2. To our surprise, January 1987 we found out that we were expecting baby # 3. I had a rough pregnancy, nothing like my 1st two, so I kept hoping maybe a girl this time. About a week before I had my baby, my doctor did an ultra sound and I found out we were having another boy, to my surprise, I was excited and could hardly wait for him to be born. On October 18, 1987 I gave birth to my youngest son, Matthew. He was healthy and I felt complete. What I hated was always hearing “wow 3 boys, no girls huh?” At my 6 week checkup I asked about having my tubes tied, my doctor said that he would do it, but only after 6 months. Because sometimes something can happen to a child and you decide to have more, it’s better to be able to have one, than to have to have surgery to reverse it and possibly not be able to have more. In January (‘88) I wasn’t feeling good, I thought I had the flu. My doctor said are you sure you’re not pregnant. I said there is NO WAY, Matthew is only 3 months old, and I had a period each month.. She wanted a pregnancy test to rule that out and did some other tests. She came back and said that she had found only 1 thing wrong with me, and that was that I was PREGNANT… OMG.. no way… I said all kinds of horrible things, like were in the H*** are we going to put another baby, we have 1 in the crib & 1 in the bassinet, where will we put this one?? In a dresser drawer?? A shoe box?? WHERE….. And then I’d say things like how am I going to be able to handle a 5 yr old, a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and A BRAND NEW BABY???? I wasn’t happy at all, but I don’t believe in abortions, that’s MY personal view, that’s what I couldn’t do. Anyway, as time went on, the shock of it was wearing off. I said if I couldn’t handle 4 kids then this baby wouldn’t be coming. We’re not sure when Ashley died, on June 15, 1988 I had an ultra sound and she was alive and moving, kicking and even sucking her thumb. I even told the ultrasound tec that this baby was going to be like his/her youngest brother! [Matthew was a thumb sucker instead of binkies]. On June 29th I went in for my regular check up. Everything was with in the norm when I 1st checked in. My doctor was pleased with everything, and after looking over the report of the ultrasound, she gave me an updated due date of October 20th.. Just 2 days after my “baby” was due to turn 1. My husband didn’t go with me to my appointment, as it was going to be one of those quick- probably 10 minute visits. WRONG.. When my dr was done measuring my stomach, she went to listen to the baby’s heart beat - NOTHING… So she had me go to another room and did a quick ultra sound, she said she didn’t see a heart beat, but because I didn’t have a full bladder, she didn’t want to say for sure, until I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound there as they would be able to fill my bladder to get a better picture. I called my husband, he met me at the hospital, we go into have the ultra sound, and the SOB just says, the fetus is dead, we’ll put you in a room and your doctor will come give you your options. Our doctor said that she was very sorry, and that we had 2 choices, 1st to go home and wait to go into labor, it would happen with in 2 - 3 days, until my body realized the baby had died. Option 2 was to be admitted and be induced. With having a 5 yr old son who was so excited that we were having another child, I felt it would be worse on him to see his mommy go into labor and come home with no baby. And honestly, I’m not sure that I could handle going home and waiting. So, we chose option 2 - they got me settled into a labor room, where I called my parents. When I heard my daddy’s voice, I just started balling. I barely got out my baby died.. He had me put my husband on who explained to them what was going on. They were in Oregon, we were in Virginia, there was no way they could get there to be with me, so they took on the responsibility of starting the funeral arrangements as best they could. While my husband was talking to my parents, they started my IV, and put a gel on my cervix that was to soften it. When he got off the phone, I told him that this was a baby girl, I just knew it - so the jack*** said to me well we can name her Jennifer, that way we can try again, and then you could name her Ashley - I told him to leave the room for awhile, I just couldn’t believe he would change my baby’s name because she died. When he came back in, he apologized. And we sat and waited until 6 pm when they gave me some patocin to start the “labor”, they said it won’t take long, because I didn’t need to dilate to 10 centimeters, and that I could have something for the pain.. OMG - the pain was so horrible, they gave me something to help “relax” me which did nothing for me. I kept begging for something for the pain. I finally asked a nurse why do I have to have this pain? They gave me morphine, and next thing I know, I’ve got them working on me, I stopped breathing, they say I had a reaction to it. Anyways, my 2 friends came in and helped me through the rest of my labor. After 14 hrs of labor, my baby girl was born on June 30, 1988 @ 8:24 am. My Minster was there in the hall and came in and baptized her for me. They then took her away, because they couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. Once they were able to do that, they changed my gown, and put me in a wheel chair and took me off the labor/delivery ward and put me on the surgery ward. I had a room mate for about 2 hrs, she was being released that day, and so then they left the room to just me. I so wanted to die, I just didn’t know what to do. My nurse came in and asked if I wanted to see her/hold her, I didn’t know, she said that I might want to, because as hard as it was going to be, it would be harder if I never did. I wish I had known that I could have had pictures taken with her, been able to keep a blanket that she had been in, her little hat. They took 2 Polaroid pictures that are on the blurry side. But at least I have them. Because I had 3 small children at home, and my youngest was only 9 months old, they kept me in the hospital over night. They did an autopsy on her to see if they could figure out why she died. The report came back “unknown reasons”. My doctor thought that maybe there had been a twin that did not develop and caused poisoning. We went to the funeral home on our way home from the hospital. To get things going since we had to transport her to Oregon. When the director opened the door to show us the caskets - I thought I was going to die.. I couldn’t breath, I was just so distraught. We got things done, went to the pharmacy and filled an rx for valium. I took 2 and then we were off to Navy Relief to get help with airline tickets so we could go home to burry Ashley. It was horrible; I was in both physical & mental pain.
When we were on the plane coming to Oregon to burry Ashley, a child sitting in front of us asked his mom what that little white thing was - Thomas, who was 5 stood up next to his seat and said that’s my dead sister. OMG - the poor mother didn’t know what to say, she made her son apologize, which wasn’t needed, he didn’t know. I made Thomas apologize, even though he didn’t understand why I told him to, he did. Our flight finally got there, and as soon as I saw my daddy - that was it, I was just bawling my eyes out. My parents just hugged me and hugged me. My sister came and got the boys and had them with her. She had just had my nephew on the 4th of June, so she wanted to stand back, as to not upset me by seeing him. It actually brought me comfort to see him and hold him. Probably didn’t affect me as bad because he was a boy. My parents had done all the arrangements from getting Ashley’s casket off the plane to the funeral home, and the service. I really can’t tell you anything of the service, other than I remember my husband carrying Ashley’s casket to the stand where we were having the service. We then spent a week with my parents before heading back to Virginia. I do have to say that with experiencing the loss of a child, it did give me an understand of how I could help - I talked with a coordinator at the hospital, and said this is what I wish I could have had done… helped them get a SHARE group going. I stayed with SHARE, and joined in helping others through their pain. I have made some really good friends that I will have forever in my life. We all help each other through what ever we need to, even with our lives as they are today… It is so hard to believe that has been 21 years . I didn’t think I was going to make it through even a month - Is it easier, yes, at times it gets very hard. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and wish she were here with me. My hope is that she is with my Daddy & Momma right now until the day I am called home to the Lord. I am truly blessed to have the 3 sons that I have, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I am blessed to have 4 granddaughters and I have a grandson. Every year since the loss of Ashley, my sons and I buy a new angle ordainment for our Christmas tree. And I buy gifts for a child that was Ashley’s age until 18. Now I donate gifts in memory of Ashley. It’s just my little way of helping heal the pain. I hope to maybe be able to start a support group in our area, as we don’t have one. And I try to spend as much time as possible with my grandchildren. I look at the accomplishments that I have made in the last 21 years that I didn’t even think I would live through… I didn't get to Ashley's grave on her Birthday, I had planned on it, since she was turning 21, but instead, we went to see my Grandma Starr... She is so sad about losing Momma. My Momma passed the day before Ashley's birth-date. I'm hoping that She was with Ashley.,., I'm just so sad, I really don't know what else to say / do right now....
When I can get on my desktop computer, I will add pictures from Ashley's funeral...
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